Navigating Change

Change is one of the most natural yet harrowing things to experience. Somewhere along the way, we’ve become so resistant to it, so fearful of it. That’s no fault of our own, as I’m positive everyone has had more than one negative experience with change. When we don’t process those emotions, they remain within, marinating and concentrating over time. The next time change rolls around— and you can always count on the fact that it will— it triggers those same unresolved emotions within us and we run for the hills. We do anything we can to avoid it.

I’ve had a paradoxical relationship with change my whole life. I’ve always loved change because I love growth, I love adventure, I love thrill, I love novelty, and I bore easily (and if you know me at all, being bored is truly my least favourite thing to be.) Other times, the thought of change makes me anxious, stressed, and absolutely paralyzes me from taking action. I’ll do just about anything I can do avoid it, resist it, ignore it, and pretend I never had the thought in the first place. But my problem (or blessing) is that once I identify a truth, I cannot ignore it and I must follow it. Usually my next thought is something like, Shit. Well now what? It may take me a long time, but ultimately I always make the change.

The last 6 or 7 years has taught me a lot about change, and I’ve begun to learn how to navigate it and make the experience easier on myself— not that it’s ever easy, but it does get easier the more familiar you are with it. Sometimes change happens outside our control. Sometimes we choose to change. I cannot decide which is harder to deal with because both truly have their own difficulties. The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it is. To be honest with oneself is a challenge in and of itself because it requires you to accept things as they are. It’s hard to accept when things aren’t going the way you thought they would, or something terrible happens, or things are falling apart. It’s so much easier to just pretend everything is fine because then you don’t have to take accountability for your actions and reactions.

Our behaviours become so hardwired that change can be incredibly difficult even if we do want it. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of starting a new diet or exercise plan, or committing to kicking a bad habit only to fall back into the comfort of your old ways. It’s discouraging to feel like you’re failing. In my experience, change is often something that takes multiple efforts and is rarely a “one and done” situation. Every time you break the old habit and replace it with a new action, you’re rewiring your brain to to get used to that new habit. Imagine walking through the forest. It’s much easier to walk on the path that’s already been cleared than trekking through the overgrowth. It slows you down, it takes more effort, and it takes longer, but the more you walk that unpaved path, over time it will mold to your movements. The key is not to give up when you’re navigating change. Surrender over and over again, as many times as you need to. Rest as long as you need to. Fall down and cry if you must. But always get back up and try again. You’d be surprised how resilient you are.

In moments where the thought of change makes me feel like I’m shrivelling up inside of myself, a conversation I always have with myself is: Look at your life in entirety, exactly as it is. If nothing in your life ever changed, absolutely nothing, and you lived everyday exactly as you are today— your actions, your thoughts, the way you feel, how you spend your time, who you spend your time with, your lifestyle, your environment, etc.— would you be happy? Or does the thought of that terrify you? And the thought of things remaining the same is suddenly more terrifying than the thought of change, and that’s enough for me to snap out of it and come up with a plan.

Now, planning is one thing, taking action is another. But the planning part is essential because when you figure out exactly what you’re going to do (I’m going to spend 15 minutes using free weights three times a week, I’m going to cook all my meals at home and only eat out on the weekends, I’m going to look for a job that’s aligned with my passions), then you can start visualizing yourself doing it. Visualization is an incredibly valuable and powerful tool that I’ve used throughout my life. Close your eyes and picture yourself implementing this change. What are you wearing? (Maybe in the new activewear you bought to motivate yourself.) How are you feeling when you’re doing this? (Confident, strong, in control, like it’s natural.) How do you feel after? (Empowered, proud.) Visualize it, let the feeling fill you up. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and imagination. If you see it and feel it, who’s to say it’s not real? I find this phase to be necessary prep work to ease me into physically making the changes. Once you’ve visualized the way you want it to go and experience it viscerally, it gives you the feeling that you’ve already done it. And if you’ve already done it, then it takes the edge off of the doom of change. It’s important not to stay stuck in this phase though. You don’t want to live vicariously through your visions, you want to use it as a stepping stone to take tangible action.

The hardest part of self-initiated change is getting over ourselves. Our ego likes to be comfortable, and familiarity is safety. Anything that’s different can trigger the ego into feeling unsafe, even if the change we’re thinking of making would have a positive impact on our life. It’s easy to get frustrated or angry with yourself (or your ego) but truly what you need in those moments is comfort. Talk to yourself gently and kindly, let your ego know it’s safe and that these changes may be uncomfortable but are necessary. After all, the ego is trying to protect us, and it’s something to be thankful for even if it gets in the way sometimes.

A lot of us (me included) try to control things because then you know what to expect and ultimately it makes you feel safe. But so much of life is outside of our control, including a lot of change. And that can be particularly terrifying because you feel like there’s nothing you can do. One of the most important things I’ve learned is just accepting that it’s a part of life I can’t escape. It’s going to happen, and I’ll have to deal with it. I look back to previous experiences and remind myself that if I got through that, then I can get through this too. I remind myself that I’m capable and strong enough to get through any challenge life presents me. The most difficult part of navigating change is the unknown. You just don’t know what’s going to happen or where you’re going to be at the end of it. I try to take it bit by bit, day by day, deal with what’s in front of me, and try to not focus too much too far ahead of where I am. If you’ve ever tried to control something, you know how absolutely draining and exhausting it is. Imagine using all your strength to make the earth spin, or trying to force the ocean currents into a different direction. Imagine doing that day in, day out… You know you’re not getting anywhere with it because it’s not for you to control. Yet you pour all your energy, emotions, every thought into the situation and you have nothing left for anything else— like the things you can control. Now when I’m faced with a situation outside my control and I get over those feelings of immense frustration, I breathe a great sigh of relief because it’s one less thing I have to worry about. I can’t control it, so I get to reserve all those efforts and energies for myself. When you’re not used to it, it can feel scary, but over time I’ve found comfort in knowing some things are out of my hands. I have enough to deal with as it is!

I used to resist things falling apart and it’s a painful place to be. Over time, as I’ve navigated through change that’s happened outside of my control, I’ve learned that somehow, even when things were abysmal and I thought my world was ending, I always ended up okay. Better than okay, actually. Things always ended up turning out for the better. And I’ve realized that the way I imagine my life to be or when I imagine specific situations to work out a certain way, I have a limited vision. We cling onto ideas that we think are the best, but it’s simply just one possible outcome out of an infinite pool of possibilities. My life has truly not turned out remotely to what I imagined it to be 10 years ago, but I can’t deny that I’m pleased with how it’s turned out and where I currently am. That gives me some comfort when I’m faced with the unknown. Even though it still triggers a fear within me, now, I can’t help but smile a little bit and relax into the knowing that if things are falling apart, it’s because something better is coming together.